Presenting problems: many, including fear of being alone; fear of being left by boyfriend; general fear; shaking. Wants to feel love, to accept herself and be 'content, content, content’.
Session 1
Her relationship has lasted 17 months. Previoulsy she had been married for 16 years to a man she didn't fancy – it had been enough that he wanted her. She had spent four years reading self-help books.
History: she was in a foster home until the age of four, and at that age her father left. She didn't see him for three years. Then her mother left the country, leaving her with her grandparents. She didn't see her mother for over 30 years. She went to a children's home till age seven. She was told by her grandfather that her mother was returning, and so she 'waited' for her.
At age seven she went to live with her father and his new wife, a headteacher. Her stepmother abused her physically, emotionally and verbally. Her stepmother would punish her, lie to her father about things she'd done so that he would punish her too. Sarah was frequently sent away to other people to stay.
In the present she felt the fear in her body as a pain in her chest and shaking. What did this fear remind her of? She had felt the same fear as a child when she heard her father rowing. She had the same pain in her chest when her father would go away every weekend, leaving her on her own with her stepmother.
Applied EMDR (an eye-movement therapy for trauma), targetting a recent event she felt fearful about. She gave the intensity of her feelings as 7/10. As she did the eye movements, the bad feelings went; numbness followed; a headache; then general heaviness. That was all.
She had problems with trust, and I suggested it would be easier next time. Nevertheless, after the EMDR she couldn't get the bad feelings back with regard to the original target.
Session 2
Sarah reported feeling much better about last session's target. She told me how her stepmother had locked her in a dark cupboard; put a sock in her mouth and hit her; told her how useless she was. One thing she always believed, though, was that she would be successful (which she is). She now has a voice in her that says she's worth nothing.
Her presenting problem and initial discussion concerned her relationship with her current partner. As a target for EMDR we chose her fears about what her partner would be up to on his own at the weekend. She fears 'everything' in relation to him – that he will be unfaithful and that he will leave.
When she thought about her partner that weekend, she had a sick feeling in her stomach. The emotion related to this feeling was unworthiness. What she wanted to feel was trust – that it was okay for him to talk to other women and so on. I applied EMDR. With successive sets the bad feelings went. There were no cognitions, only changes in feelings: she felt sad; anxious; fearful; numb. The numbness we learnt was a fear of weakness about being upset. She felt safe here, and agreed that it was okay to feel weak here. She cried. The bad feelings went.
The original target was now fine. I asked her to focus on her self-worth as a positive belief. On a score between 1 (hardly believe it at all) and 7 (believe it completely) her belief in her self-worth was 4. We applied a few sets of eye movements. She heard alternate voices: 'You're worthless. You are worthy.' Then the negative voice went and she only heard the positive one. This was a new voice for her.
Session 3
Things had been going very well for her emotionally since last session. Things had been difficult with her boyfriend and he was going to move out for a while. Normally, this would have filled her with a terrible sense of abandonment. But this time she felt calm. She even felt fine about trusting him around other women. She was happy to let go of him. She felt strong and was already thinking about life without him. She got a call from his mother pleading his case, and eventually he came round to talk things through. She is who he really wants, he realizes. He told her he really does love her; she said she wants the commitment of love, marriage, baby.
She accepted him back, and he was now due to move back in next weekend. Up to this point, she'd felt great. And, suddenly, all the old fear and mistrust had come back. She felt the anxiety in her chest. She felt unable to trust. What she wanted instead was peace.
I applied EMDR. The anxiety intensified. Then she was a little girl, remembering being dropped off at the children's home. Her father was there. So was the woman who was to become her stepmother. Her father was saying he'd be back soon. But he wasn't. Then she was crying desperately, as a little girl, right back inside these experiences. Then she laughed, saying it was stupid. She associated her boyfriend with her father, and his leaving her with her stepmother: the two of them were blurring, merging, she said. After a few more sets of eye movements the girl was being very strong. She saw the weakness of her father and his guiltiness (the marks on his back from TB being as though physical pain, wounds). She even kissed her stepmother. With more sets she took her happy, bounding six year old off somewhere.
I asked again what she wanted instead. To be safe. She felt 80% safe now. We did two or three more eye-movement sets on that. In her imagination her child self became really big – still in her pink cardigan! So big she couldn't get out of the house! She felt safe now, and ready for her boyfriend to move back in at the weekend.
Session 4
Her boyfriend had moved in on Saturday. They had a great Friday night in London, very open with each other. But almost immediately he moved in she felt the old fear, mistrust and anger.
The anger seems to be anger against herself, and when I asked her unconscious for the purpose of the fear, the answer was protection. She volunteered it was from her 15-year-old self – who had needed to be protected.
I decided to talk straight to her unconscious and set up finger signals. I talked to the part that wanted to protect her. I asked her (conscious mind) to at least appreciate its purpose (if not its means). I spent some time negotiating with this part, since it didn't want immediately to consider other ways of protecting her. I helped it to acknowledge its part in preventing Sarah from having successful, loving relationships, and how important this was to her. It was then able to countenance alternatives for her protection that would allow loving relationships.
I asked the part to take away the fear and distrust and replace them with love, giving and trust. Then we grew up the 15 year old and integrated it, to help make her whole. She gasped as her body did so. I added more suggestions about how strong she was and able to cope even if things do go wrong; how wise her unconscious is in deciding who it can trust; the value of an open heart.
When she 'woke up' she said that the pain in her chest was gone and she felt she could trust her boyfriend.
Session 5
She told me she had almost cancelled; she thought there was nothing to see me about. She said she'd had a 'huge shift' since last session. All the fear and anger and shaking had gone. She'd set boundaries with her boyfriend, having now complete confidence that she can do this congruently.
The problem she still had was that she was 'remembering the past'. For example, her boyfriend rang to explain that he was late because the tubes had stopped and, instead of listening, she 'remembered the past' – his lateness, unreliability – and jumped at him.
What was the function of hanging on to the past? To give her a safety net – in case he left her. She is 'hanging on' to another man she met recently as a safety net. What does she need it for? To save her from being alone. What is so awful about that (since she acknowledged she'd be able to find another man)? She had a feeling in her chest. I asked her to hold on to it and see what thoughts occurred to her. Immediately she was a child in the orphanage abandoned by parents and totally alone. The intensity of this present experience was 8/10. Her desired positive belief was, I am lovable; the current strength of this belief was 4/7. I applied EMDR.
Sarah couldn't get back the old feeling of feeling bad about being alone.
Her belief that she was lovable was 7/7, she delightedly told me!
Does she still need a safety net? Not an artificial one.
Does she still want to hang on to that man? Yes. But not as a safety net. As a companion – but not to be rung immediately there's a problem. She'd be alone for seven days first.
Sarah didn't feel the need to make another appointment. She'd come back if she needed to.
Two days later I received a phone call from her. Everything had reverted, she told me. It was even worse than before. In our telephone discussion we worked out that, since her younger child self was very much happier, an older one was able to express itself and declare its needs. This could be seen as a positive sign, I assured her. At 15 her father had taken her to a bed & breakfast, given her barely enough money to cover the first week's rent and 'left to get on with it'. She felt completely abandoned. She is now taking these feelings out on her boyfriend. She acknowledged the 15 year old inside her, and immediately began to feel better. She would be able to cope until our next session. She made an urgent appointment.
Session 6
Sarah had felt very much better after speaking to me on the phone. She was very aware of the 15 year old. Her boyfriend is treating her like his mother, but the 'mother' he's dealing with is a 15-year-old girl who needs absolute honesty and has a terrible fear of being abandoned like her father abandoned her at the bed & breakfast. The boyfriend needs a strict mother, but rebels against it like a teenager. He was supposed to return home at 1:00 a.m., but arrived at 5:00 a.m., full of remorse and tears. He's acting out his teenage rebellion, while she's acting out her fear of abandonment.
At the B&B she'd had an affair with the owner, who would see her when he wasn't seeing his girlfriend. She would wait 'hours and hours' for him. She learned to manipulate him away from his girlfriend. When her present boyfriend came home late, it was like she was waiting for this man, and being abandoned by her father. We applied EMDR to those feelings (9/10 in intensity). Her negative belief about herself was that she was 'a pain in the arse'. The belief she wanted was that her feelings are valid and she's deserving of respect.
I applied sets. She was angry with her father for leaving her in the B&B with only a few pounds; for not seeing her again until she was 18. She felt very lonely and very sad. She cried a lot (despite not being able to access the feeling much initially).
Then, as an adult, she opened the windows in the B&B. The young Sarah she saw wearing the blue jumper she was wearing in the here and now. Then the older Sarah comforted the younger one. Finally, she just felt a bit numb. We went back to the original target. She still felt a bit numb, but much lighter. We applied sets to her positive belief. She had cognitions about respecting herself and others. Maybe, she said, she needed to respect herself more so that others could too. She agreed to look after the 15 year old inside her, and give her lots of cuddles, and anything else she needs.
Session 7
Things hadn't been going well. She'd had a terrible row with her boyfriend about rings. Half an hour earlier they had been happily discussing their wedding. Then they 'hated' each other. But it wasn't the 15 year old any more; it was the 7–15 year old who hated her stepmother. She saw the eyes and expression of her stepmother in her boyfriend. She hadn't had this experience since she was 17, when she'd seen this expression in the boy who became her husband. When she saw her stepmother's expression in her boyfriend, she 'became her stepmother' and had to 'crush him'. Like her ex-husband, and her stepmother, her present boyfriend tends to withdraw and put barriers up. Then she wants to 'destroy' them.
I applied EMDR to a selected incident with her stepmother. The belief she wanted was that it's safe to be loved. Wanting to destroy them, she later realized, was the desire to 'get in first', before they would withdraw their love. We worked through the feelings until she felt fine about the incident. We did some sets on the belief she wanted, that it's safe to be loved, until she was 'too tired to fight any more'.
Session 8
Sarah had been away and I hadn't seen her for some time. As she had desired, her boyfriend showed his commitment by putting his house on the market. But, she said, when things were going well, she sabotaged. He was very excited about a house they were planning to buy. His excitement made her feel sad. When she should have been happy, she disallowed it, because there was 'no such thing' as being happy.
She would attack and belittle her boyfriend until he was on the very verge of leaving. Then she'd relent. This behavoiur was to protect her from the devastation of things going wrong.
I put her in a trance and set up finger signals. I spoke to this part that thought there was no such thing as being happy. This part was 'very young'. It didn't know how to protect her in other ways other than sabotaging happiness. But it agreed readily that it was no longer appropriate and it was better to feel happy and then suffer loss – which she knew she'd survive (having experienced and survived so much). So I asked this part to learn from other, experienced parts of Sarah. That was fine. I asked her to imagine future experiences of happiness and loss. I talked a lot about responding in the present to present circumstances.
When she woke up she said she'd thought of the excitement of her boyfriend about the house and felt happy for him.
She related that in trance she had seen herself, in the present, dressed as she is now, with her very young self, and a slightly older one, and all three of them were happily waving goodbye to her boyfriend as he was going out for the evening, knowing that he would be coming back.